If you’ve ever felt captive in your own life, then this is for you.
Every day, several times throughout each day, I had to put on a show. I felt like this orca.
I had to suck it up and do what everyone wanted me to do. I had no choice if I wanted to survive.
But you could see it wear on me, just as it does on this orca whose fin is flopping.
Parts of me that were once strong and stood tall had weakened over time from the constant circling of doing it over and over.
The arguments, the silence, the tension-filled truces, the hope, the questions, the lies, the wounds, the arguments, the hope.
There was no emotion and a pseudo-joy was only found in bits and pieces every now and then. In truth, it felt odd to genuinely smile.
My routine was the same day after day:
Wake up from the restless sleep that didn’t provide much slumber, pull it together enough so my child didn’t know the extent of my weariness. The night had been long with thoughts that wouldn’t stop and the worry that was ever-present, night and day.
I had no idea how my family would survive this enclosure we had found ourselves in. I truly didn’t know if we could all come out alive in the end, let alone together. I thought only of survival, swimming in seemingly endless circles, waiting for the next thing to happen.
All the while I felt the perpetual sadness pervade my every moment, which lead to a building anger and fierceness that would sometimes explode.
Just like sometimes happens with these captive orcas when they’ve suffered too long and have had enough. They lash out and bite and try to drag down the thing that is hurting them.
Then they suffer more from the consequences of their overload. Just like I did.
The bites I gave to my husband for throwing us into this mess of addiction somehow left their wounds and marks on my heart and my own thoughts about who I was and had become.
I felt the damage being done to my self-image and confidence with each word said or received that was out of alignment with who I knew myself to be. Yet the memories of swimming freely in my ocean were a distant past and I was forced to play the role in the story I was given. So I played my part well and only a few people knew what was going on behind the scenes.
I hoped someday it would be different.
Then one day I found a chink in the cage and was able to in the gate open little by little. I got the support I needed and felt myself become stronger again. My resilience rebounded and I felt a deeper connection to who I was when the audience and expectations weren’t there. I was free to choose which direction I wanted to swim and allow myself to see beyond the next moment because I knew I was able to care for myself in a deeper and more authentic way.
In truth, it was somewhat terrifying leaving the known container in which I was living in exchange for the vast expanse of the unknown that lay before me.
Yet the discoveries I have made about myself and life wouldn’t have been possible unless I did just that.
I’m in the depths with you and I’ve learned a few things along the way. I’m figuring it out as I go but I’d love to give you everything I know so you can ride the waves of this journey with much more ease and grace.
Your Someday can start today. These are the things I used to help me shift my life into better balance and they’ll help you too.
Join now and let your Someday Starts Today!
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