In my work with clients, I help so many people to live with more authenticity, transparency, and truth. I teach them how to shine light on their shadows, take off the masks, and get real with themselves so they can stand tall in who they are and what they’ve been through. Our darkness is part of what makes us who we are and adds to our beauty and depth.
Knowing how someone is dimming their light comes easily to me and I can see the ways in which they’ve been holding themselves back and getting in their own way. Part of what I love about what I do is witnessing the transformation from darkness to light.
Yet when it comes to sharing the struggles of my own life there is so much inner chatter that has been difficult to squash. What will they think? I don’t want to go there. How will this change the way I am perceived? Will it be helpful or hurtful to share my experience?
Of course I’ve known the answer all along. Truth is always the right thing no matter how difficult it may be. You or someone you know may be experiencing something similar and our stories shared with each other can make a difference. Indeed we are all one. This is part of my story and I hope is to share with you that you are not alone in this…
For many years my marriage was in turmoil. The emotional anguish I felt for months on end made a part of me wish for something to happen to make him go away, to make the sorrow disappear, so that I could breathe again. Something was going on yet what it was stayed clouded in mystery. It was the kind of mystery that causes you to keep searching, to keep questioning.
But before too long I started questioning myself. I started to doubt myself and wonder what I was doing, wondering if I was in the wrong.
I knew I felt farther from myself than I ever felt before. I was living in the shadowside of myself. The aggressive, offensive, take-no-prisoners side that was protecting the wounds I felt. I locked on to refusing to play the fool, even though I knew I was being fooled.
So often I witnessed myself experiencing the dark when I so desperately wanted to find the light. Yet there was always that deeper part inside that gnawed at me until I followed my intuition to discover some new truth. I berated myself the entire time I was acting on that impulse but my intuition was validated every time. Every single time. Still I questioned it. And myself. And him. I questioned everything: all the choices I made, whether I was doing the right thing, the wrong thing, how was this impacting our child, would it be better or worse if I stayed or he went. I knew it would all stop when he went so in those darkest moments I wished for him to just go away in the deepest of ways, so that the torment could stop and the lies, rejection, misdirection, self-loathing, and confusion could stop then and there in that moment.
This is what drug addiction does.
It shakes you to your core in so many ways. It brings your old wounds to the surface and pokes at them until you face them fully. It shows you your edges; your places of growth and constriction. It shows you what you are willing to fight for and let go of.
For my husband and I, we’ve had to look deeply at the parts we’ve each played that have allowed us to get to this place. Those things discovered in those darkest places of ourselves have yearned for acknowledgement and the light and that’s exactly what they’re finally getting. The journey isn’t easy and it sure isn’t quick. Yet we’re finding our way back to ourselves, to our truth, and to each other.
My journey on this most unexpected path continues to unfold. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, seek support. This journey is not easy and everyone involved is deeply impacted. With commitment, hard work, and a lot of love you will discover new layers of yourself and your strength, witness yourself in a more authentic manner, and be able to come out on the other side stronger and brighter.
You are not alone.