It’s so hard to say goodbye… but I’m still thankful

Sometimes in life, for one reason or another, things need to leave us.

For some things we feel quite relieved when they leave, like we’ve been carrying a weight we didn’t realize was so heavy. Things that have outgrown their purpose or people we’ve outgrown or behaviors we no longer find useful. Things that have depleted us, and taken more from us than what they gave. Those things we can be thankful when they depart and we can allow ourselves to move forward with a sense of lightness. We can find the lesson in those events, people, hardships, or whatever it may be – but they will always teach us something if we open our eyes to discovering what truth lies within those things. Sometimes those things, as difficult and unserving as they may have been, can be our greatest teachers. Still we are happy when they have left.

Then there are other things in life that we wish didn’t leave us. Things that have been there for so long with us that they seem to have become a part of who we are and the story we tell about ourselves. Those beautiful things – people or beings, relationships, experiences – that we wish would never end. Those things that ask nothing in return but uplift every part of us simply by their presence in our lives. Things that have come to mean so much to us, even more than we have ever possibly imagined. Those things that touch us deep in our soul, and we know that we are better because of it. It is hard, very hard, when those things leave us.

Still we can find the light somewhere in the darkness if we allow our eyes to see. But sometimes we just don’t want to see. Sometimes we just want things the way they used to be. But they can never be the same, even when they are wonderful and perfect, things are always changing.

I’m facing the loss of a dear sweet friend of mine. Our beautiful 12 year old cat Bucky died in my arms Friday night after a long battle with cancer. It was just him and I in the deep of night as I held him on my chest – fur against skin, as I sang to him, soothed his fears, walked with him through the darkness, and offered him more love and honesty than I knew I was capable of. With his last breath he offered me at first a gentle soft purr that grew into a loud grateful purr that resonated into the very essence of my being. And then he was gone.

So now I, and my family, are in our own sort of darkness at the moment. But we are finding our way out. Bucky is leading the way from the other side. He’s offering us his love and reassuring presence that he hasn’t really left us.

As I was talking with him before he left, I asked him to give me a sign that he was ok after he died. I asked him to make a heart cloud in the sky. Saturday afternoon I opened the back door and in the sky above where his body lay, there was the brightest white cloud that I have ever seen, golden white light shining around the edges of the cloud. And there in the middle of the white cloud was the clear blue sky – in the shape of a heart. I said a prayer of joy and gratitude to and for Bucky. I wish I could have captured it with a photo but it appeared when I opened the back door and disappeared soon after… and was meant just for me.

That night my husband Michael was heading up the stairs when he heard a noise in the kitchen… the light up heart magnet on the refrigerator was swirling its lights all by itself. This same magnet was swirling off and on the evening he died. My daughter Arwen had asked Bucky to light it up for her before she went to bed but nothing happened. Perhaps this was meant for her, but strange that she didn’t get to see it. But perhaps it was also meant for Michael because he had an amazingly strong connection with Bucky.

Then about 3:00 am that same night a stack of Arwen’s cardboard building bricks fell down the stairs. They were stacked to the ceiling behind a 5 ft plant. It was just over 24 hrs before that he had died.

So in his own way he is showing us that although things change, some things remain the same no matter how they appear on the outside. For that I am truly thankful.

All of life is change. If we allow ourselves to find the lessons in every experience, no matter how painful or lovely they may have been, we can allow ourselves to expand our awareness about ourselves and even about our world.

Please take a moment during this Thanksgiving to reflect upon how very blessed you are for everything in your life – the good and the seemingly negative things. They are all blessings for us to be thankful for.

Wishing you all the best,

Krysti